And so it ends. The wave of a hand, the wrench of a heart. Goodbye’s inevitability makes it no easier to endure. It can bring with it the worst of empty feelings, the knowledge that you once had everything you could dream of, but couldn’t grasp it firmly enough. Everything will change, time will tick, but you will never forget that time and place, or that look in his eyes, and the way the moon lit them on fire. Yet for your sake, he can be nothing more than a memory, an irreplaceable and inexplicable pain that shoots straight through everything you are. And if you let it, that pain will leave you dreaming of the life you could have had, instead of making the one you already have better.
I have been dreaming for far too long. I have been wishing, praying for some semblance of myself to reappear, while simultaneously knowing that I am no longer that man. I have been torn down. Stripped. Burned. I have been reminded how stacked the deck is against me, how low I am and how much further I can still fall. He made me feel greater than anything in this life. He smiled and the world fell to its knees. He was everything I needed, the only thing I needed. But I couldn’t hold on to him, and in a flash and a bang, he was light-years away, and I was broken. I was broken, and worse, I was content. Life wasn’t good enough, but it wasn’t going to get better.
Then I picked up the pencil, and it all came flooding back…
That time, that place. Those eyes…the pain, joy, every heartbreak and miracle in between. It hit me like a gust of wind you could not imagine. All the worst pains in my life, punching me in the gut all at once. But I was alive. I cried, for a long time, as I wrote whatever my head could muster. I lived through it one more time, so that he and that life could never haunt me again. I’m tired of being broken. I’m tired of living within my fears. I’m tired of waking up and dreading the day. I am simply tired. For years I have been shattered, but these words feel like the first steps toward being whole again, stronger than I was before. Maybe these words are just what I need to finally wake up, once and for all, and see the life I have is better than any life I could possibly dream of.
And so it begins.